Can you help me?

We all might have read numerous blogs, novels on how a relationship made them toxic. How they were in desperate need to move on. Have you read what goes in the mind of a person causing that toxicity?

Well, let’s start talking on that aspect too. I am no psychiatrist to unveil all kinds of people with this negativity. But I can truly tell how I created that negativity in my own relationship.

My relationship with him started 5 years ago. It was all beautiful in beginning for us. I was having all happy hormones inside me growing. But then hormones tend to jump in with highs and lows.

Few things were in my control and some were involuntary. 30 days of a month, I had a twisted mind for 15 days. That makes 50% of the time I was making a person feel highly demotivated.

I have PCOS. Very common, very! But wasn’t common for me. But This isn’t about me. This is about him.

I made him happy at times with my chirpiness but when I wasn’t, I made him feel how neglected he could be. Trust me he wasn’t. I went off my pills for a year & the hell broke loose that year. But he was there, Taking it all in. I wasn’t an easy person. I would torture him with my confusing behaviour. He felt it all through.

Today when I write this, I again had created a very difficult environment for him. I promised to him I was off the pill but i lied. Because I was scared to death. Apparently, the pill doesn’t work wonders. A realisation now.

We thought of breaking up, & I am scared slowly I am pushing him away. I am worried if I am torturing him with me. He loves me truly, in his own way. But am I right in creating this difficult for him? I should rather be walking away to help him move up in life.

I asked him if I am right for you? He didn’t hesitate. But I am hesitating now. It’s right that I am a person who isn’t in her self control but I cannot be a person who ruins anyone’s life, let alone his.

He is my lifeline but not at the cost of his own mental peace. What should I do?